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Letters From My Worst Fears: In which my anxiety turns molehills into panic attacks.


Hello Natalie,

Thank you for your interest in our company. Unfortunately, Ms. Kaspersky is actually our Digital Marketing Director, not the Director of Marketing and Digital. She has literally nothing to do with your hiring decision nor would she be your supervisor in the role—that responsibility would belong to Dahlia Norton, the Supervisor of Marketing and Digital and the direct subordinate to the Director. As such, we unfortunately cannot consider you for the Digital Marketing Associate position.

While your experience matches perfectly with what we’re looking for in the role, and the rest of your cover letter makes it clear that you would be a great cultural match for our company, the Associate position revolves heavily around research, and we simply cannot risk hiring someone who so clearly does not do rigorous and thorough work. We very plainly stipulated in our listing that you would be working for the Marketing and Digital Manager. We don’t currently have anyone at our company with that title; however, had you bothered to glance at the pages of Marketing and Digital Managers working at our top seven competitors, you may have noticed that their middle names make an acronym which, when “I’m Feeling Lucky” google searched with the former name of our company, leads to our new hires scavenger hunt. It’s a shame you weren’t able to find that; the Manager of Hiring – Digital Marketing informs me that it’s quite fun.

In any case, we do have an internship opening up on our decorating-the-office-corkboard team. While you seem underqualified for this opportunity, I may be able to help you parlay your role on the media staff at the LGBT Center into a transferable construction paper skill. I’m sure that punctuating your entire cover letter correctly took a lot for you, and if there’s anything I appreciate, it’s someone who tries hard to transcend her own limitations.

I hope to hear back soon, Natalie.

Best,
Dr. Sharon Moriarty
Director, Human Resources

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